For a long time now I’ve been aware of a magical power I believe we all have the capability to possess. It’s called the power of choice. Now you can choose to use this power for good or evil, at any time, but once you truly understand the motivation that’s empowering these choices, it becomes something else entirely.
I remember a while ago I was invited to a children’s play date with one of my best girl friends. Play date sounds fun except my son is now about a foot taller than me (it’s not that hard I am a smurf) has more facial hair than a burly fisherman and works two jobs. I no longer have ‘a child’. No the date was for me to come along for baby activities with my friends children… whom I love dearly and squish at every given opportunity. However, hours of baby play date is just NOT my idea of fun. My immediate pause, reflect and deliberation resulted in me saying “I can’t make it” (sorry not sorry). This could have the recipe for making me sound like an a$$hole if it wasn’t the fact she still loves me, even more so since I started to be my true self.
Ok so here’s another way it works. I don’t mind watching football, it’s okay, but I’m rarely really wanting to go do it. I get into it when it’s on, its sports, I like sports but I won’t source it out, plan my time around it or choose an outfit specially for when I watch it. Going out for food however is an entirely different story. If I know I’m going out for food then you bet your a$$ I’ve planned out; what I’m going to eat, what comfy expandable outfit to wear, how to get there and back via the quickest route and even if I’m going take some of it home. All 12 hours beforehand. What can I say. That’s what floats my boat. My other half an I have very different view on both these activities but we agree on something significant, we both like spending time together. So what this ingenious man did was come up with a ‘mutual plan’, it works perfectly just like this.. For a footy date he picks a venue where we can both get to easily, eat well ( I’m a coeliac so we have to plan ahead) and somewhere we can watch the football in maximum comfort. (It’s a mega bonus for both of us if it’s a good Pokemon spot too) So the two portions of chicken wings are devoured, the football is watched in comfort and he wakes me up gently from the food coma nap when the taxis here to take us home. This works for us. But it’s not always this way for every activity and it doesn’t have to be. I certainly don’t go to live matches and he wouldn’t want me there and that’s ok.
Over time I’ve cultivated a large bank of ‘non food’ treats. Which are activities or basically doing something that makes me feel good, which doesn’t revolve around food. In the past I spent so many years ‘treating’ myself to nearly 17 stone of heart disease. Take aways were a reward, it was also to make me feel better after a bad day at work, and during get togethers with friends also when I felt lonely, sad, depressed, happy, in fact any time I needed anything food was the answer. Food, food, foood. I still love my food of course but these day I make MUCH better choices on eating healthier and being aware of fuelling the body. One giant step to understanding I had such a bad relationship with food was in realising and taking responsibility for the fact that food was not my friend. I’m sorry but neither Ben nor Jerry really liked me or Sarah Lee or even Uncle Ben. If they really did I wouldn’t have been so overweight and unhappy. Think about it Jerry, that’s why we don’t talk anymore Ben…
My rambling to the end point here is I am free to make the choice of what’s right for me. Not one other person will have my best interests at heart more than me. So every day I make the best choices based on, well lots of things really. Sitting in a horrible bar watching a game I don’t care about, bored out of my mind, errrrrr (bad buzzer). That just makes you resent the other person when really it’s your fault for agreeing to do something you didn’t even want to do in the first place. However, sitting in a clean and comfortable air conditioned sports lounge eating tasty ribs on a soft couch watching a big screen seeing my handsome get all excited about the game…tingtingting (winners bell). He’s my bestie and this is how we roll.
So back to my girl friend, in fact all my friends. I may not be available for every occasion because in truth, I’m being a damned good friend. I’m not lying to you and pretending to like something I don’t. My no answer isn’t to offend you, it’s to respect you. Believe me I’ve been that friend who would get dressed up, come out to party and sit in the corner taking your pics for your Facebook crush to see you tagged in and pretending to like getting drunk. Yep, done it, done it to death. The fact is I didn’t have fun, I didn’t have the time or the money and I was a bad friend for pretending to like any of it. But that’s all on me because I made those choices. I just didn’t have the self respect to say, no thanks or I can’t afford it. I was so desperate for your approval or to ‘fit in’ that I would emulate your life, just to be liked. I didn’t know what I wanted for myself so I pretending to be someone I wasn’t because if it make you happy, I did something good. That sucks! I had no clue for so many year that I was so unhappy. I know that when I changed that some people lost what they wanted from me, but I’m not sorry I changed. I was miserable and for those who sat by who knew this and took full advantage, that’s your karma I’m afraid.
The power of choice means I get to make myself happier than I’ve ever been with each and every new choice I make. Of all the super powers on earth, that is most precious to me, my freedom. That feeling when I’m being asked if I want to do something and I pause, it took YEARS to come into fruition. I absoloutly ADORE it. I don’t have to explain myself, I don’t have to look for valid reasons, I just have to listen to myself. I pause, reflect and say the most magical words, “no thanks, it’s not for me”. I’m not sorry if this isn’t what people want from me because I’m not here for anyone else’s sake. The more I listen to myself and recognise what’s best for me, the less time it takes to say no thank you. Happiness in my mind has to grabbed at every opportunity, I don’t sit around hoping it may come my way.
If you really want to do something that’s important to you, do it alone. I have no issues with going to see a band on my own or going for a run alone because my 1st best friend is always with me, myself. Putting myself first and making the best choices for me isn’t one bit conceited or being selfish, it’s self cherishing who I am and what truely makes me happy. When my partner says ‘no’ to me it makes me smile and I instantly feel more connected to him. I know in that moment he’s been honest with himself and also been honest with me. You can’t buy that level of trust. He has no interest in coming to yoga or a meditation class, Turkish food is not for him and Hitchcock movies are just not a date night choice. But in having this honestly and separation in our individually we then become more invested more in ourselves. So when we do have time together we get the best version of each other. Any true friend or partner wants you to be happy, whatever that means to you.
So when I say the magic of not giving a f#%k what do I mean? To me it means that I’m being honest with you and that’s something I don’t need to be sorry about so I’m not sorry. It means that I respect you enough to be honest, I’m putting myself first because I have self respect and I value my time and yours not to waste it. In all honestly, take away social media, the electronic devices, in fact all of the Internet, strip it all away and what do we have left? You. The only real earth given currency in this existence is time. Am I going to spend my time trying to convince others how to live or am I going to put all of my energy into me and live by example. Do I need to do what others want me to do to make them happy or do we try a compromise to make us both happy. Is it right to feel upset that someone doesn’t want to do the same as I do or do I appreciate our differences and cherish what’s important to me by investing in my self worth, by myself. It’s all subjective but fundamentally paramount to our individual happiness.
As a wise woman once said, “she needed a superhero, so that’s what she became”.
Love & light