Something came up recently where a project didn’t turn out as planned. I was thinking what I could have done different and what were the lessons to learn. After a couple of days, I realised it had turned into rumination. Rumination is the death of progress. Around this time a wise young Fox reminded me, although I may no longer be able to help people in the way that I had planned to initially, I am now doing it in a much better way. So there’s the lesson..
When I was little I was trapped in a cage so tight I could barely breathe, but I survived for 15 years. As I got older the cage got bigger but it was always still there. I broke pieces away and slowly started to realise it was no longer a cage but I had a chain on my ankle. Many more years went by and I kept pulling at the chain to get free until one day I followed it right to the end to find it was attached to…nothing was there.
It was my own fault, I always held myself back in life. I set the limitation and I created the boundaries that caused me pain and suffering. As a child I knew no better, but as an adult it took me 30 years to take responsibility for my own actions. I used to complain about the choices I made and used excuses for why things happen the way they did. Not anymore. I take full responsibility for my own actions, right or wrong.
The vision of the elephant tied to a plastic chair is everything about where I was in the past. It’s impossible to do anything with self limiting beliefs and I put that chain my ankle because I believed that’s what little I deserved from life. Yes the initial low self worth came from the people around me when I was younger but as an adult, away from those people, it’s all my own choices. I know how hard it is to change, I understand fear but right on the other side of that fear is the better version of you that you’ve always wanted to be. So why do we continue to keep the chains on even when we know all this?
Knowing something and using it to make a difference are two different entities. If we know that weight loss is the easiest maths equation on earth why is it so flaming hard? If we know logically that certain things cause us pain in life, why do we continue to do them or let them happen? I would come home and eat a family sized chocolate bar and then feel rubbish about myself straight away after. I’ve done this so many times. Pint of Ben & Jerrys, full bottle of wine, a family sized cake… I was very practiced in this and the negative feelings they gave me, yet the cycle didn’t stop. Did something finally snap? Did I have an overwhelming reason to cut it all out my life? Well there was one reason that sticks in my mind but it’s not the true reason it finally stopped. Watching a family member turn into an unhuman version of themselves on their deathbed was a huge kick up the backside. That woke me up massively to my potential future. But it’s not the reason I don’t; smoke, drink, eat unhealthy or undermine myself anymore. That happened with the only power we all have, time.
Once upon a time I became so used to putting up with things and just carrying on it seemed normal. So used to bare minimums and settling for so much less than I was worth. Who on Earth told me that’s how life should be? It took every strength I had just to look through my fears right to the other side of living a life full of energy and free of doubts, but just looking started a catalyst of change that hasn’t stopped. If not now, when? There’s never is a right time, there never is enough money. I couldn’t create anything worthwhile without the risk of failure because it’s the failures and flaws i’ve learned and grown from.
The cycle of self sabotage is a pitiful depth I now avoid at all costs. In fact I not only avoid it but it’s a standard, a life long standard, that I actively choose not to get in my own way and mess things up for myself. I used to wake up Monday full of determination, by Friday I’ve let all the stress, pain, fear, unhappiness and limitations of the world grind me into getting back into unworthy place and destroying myself again ready for the next rebound yet again surprise, surprise on Monday. WHAT?? WHAT?? What the hell was I doing? The crap food, the bottles of wine I NEVER really wanted surrounded by toxic negativity so bad the air was too thick to breathe. Why?? What was it all for? To cling on and feel like I belong? To rejoice in the mutual hatred of existence?
They say if you enjoy what you do for your job you never have to work another day in your life. Whole heartedly this is 100% true. I had no idea so many years ago that I would one day be in a position to choose to do exactly what I want and make it my own. Every time a lesson comes along it teaches me the same, just in a different method. Listen. Listen to that voice inside you keep ignoring for so long. Listen to it with everything inside you and turn the volume up as loud as you possibly can. Turn down the noises that try to down it and pay attention to your volume control every damned day. Feed your mind with self appreciation, love and kindness and the second you get the chance. PAY IT FORWARD.
Here’s your challenge. Just imagine the internet was erased, how different would your life be? How much more time & energy would that freedom bring? All the pictures, all the likes & tags, every log of your life, every posed pic, every part of your online world, gone. What do you have left? You. Am I a hypocrite because I wrote this online? No, I’m merely trying to help you see you can fly as free from the cage as you choose.
Love & Light
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